I have four posts started, but just sitting, waiting for me. I woke up early this morning which usually is my best time to gather my thoughts and write. I tried adding some thoughts to all of them with no luck. They are all topics I have been thinking about for a while and want to see on my blog. Yet, I can’t concentrate. I can’t say what I want to say.
At the end of my walk this morning, I realized the problem. Pain has taken over my brain and that is the focus. While I have many thoughts floating around in my head, the only one it can truly listen to is the pain.
Last September I had bilateral cortisone shots in my hips. The pain has returned. My rheumatologist quickly diagnosed it this week as bursitis, but sadly I came home and had to do my own detective work. Why? Because after sitting in a small claustrophic room for thirty minutes, she spent less than ten minutes going over my symptoms, medications, and insurance change questions. As I left, I didn’t feel she really listened to my levels of pain even though she prescribed Meloxicam and said she thought it was bursitis and if I’d lose a little weight it might improve. Seriously, I had to keep my middle finger held down tight. I had just refused to be weighed because I am fully aware that I am overweight right now and despite spending the last four weeks working out regularly and living mostly on cut up veggies, salads and a ton of salmon, I have lost zero pounds. I am fully aware that the extra weight negatively affects my symptoms. Duh!
Anyhow, back to the hip pain. The pain originally started around my hip bones every evening around 5:00 and got worse as the night went on. By morning, the pain was gone. The last few days, especially today, it was there when I woke up. The pain starts around the hip bones and then creeps down into my inner thighs and down into my legs. After reading about bursitis, my rheumy is probably right. I just feel like I wasn’t heard. The pain isn’t sharp. It doesn’t come and go if I move in a certain direction. It is more like a constant gnawing pain the takes over a large part of my body. All I want to do is complain. It wears me out. Working out makes me feel stronger and more attractive, but it definitely irritates the pain. It’s a painful conundrum.