"Past Me" is Returning to Meet "Present Me"

Sophia recently shared a dream with me. I was in this dream. She said that whenever I am in her dreams I have long hair like I did when she was a little girl and I don’t have rheumatoid arthritis. She said, “Remember before when you would run up and down the stairs cleaning and doing lots of things? You were never on the computer. You were always doing something.” As she was telling me about my “past me” I remembered that person. I remember having lots of energy. Thinking of that person again made me feel happy and even a little energized.

It also made me realize that Sophia and I are both seeing “past me” return. As of Thursday I have had three Enbrel injections. There hasn’t been this earthshaking turn of events but with each day I feel a little more like the “past me”. A friend said, “Your sarcasm and smile have returned.” I feel more playful. I feel like smiling again. It is almost like the pain in my body was taking too much energy before and now it has the energy to do these other simple acts.

Yesterday was an example of how my energy is returning and the desire to get out and do things is also returning. I took the kids to the beach. We have tried as a family three other times (twice with my sister) but were rained out each time. Yesterday with the heat index at 105, it was the right time.

As I walked through the hot sand, I realized that a few months ago I would not have been able to do this walk. It would have been too much of a challenge to walk through the sand. But yesterday, I was able to grab hold of the kids as needed and enjoyed feeling my muscles working once again.

Yesterday was one of those days that you allow yourself to totally soak up the moment and let everything else go. I told the kids, “I am glad we didn’t invite anyone to join us. I like having the two of you to myself.” It’s true. We laughed, we had running races in the water, we sat and talked, I listened as they ran off together to play and we laughed some more. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. Yesterday I didn’t want to be on the sidelines as I have been for over two years. I wanted to be a part of the fun and I was!

We walked a ways in the heat to get to the beach but once we saw the water, the walk was worth it.

I love that they both still love to play! I hope they never outgrow that.

Sophia wanted to get a shot of my feet while I was balancing simply because “you can do it now”.
On the way home Sophia asked why I like being with them so much. It is hard to explain but their voices and laughter fill me with energy. I never get tired of being with these two people.

A few other bragging moments from the last week:
~Steve and I got up early last Saturday and went for a seven mile bike ride. The trail was easy. We planned it that way. I needed to see how my body would handle a simple ride. It did okay. While riding my hips hurt which they still do at night and my shoulders were stiff for a few minutes after getting off the bike but that was it! I did it! Hopefully next weekend we can try a more challenging ride with all four of us.

~My wedding ring fits my finger….again. Last summer I was able to get it on for a while but I haven’t worn it for quite a while now.

~When I wake up in the morning, I haven’t had to think about how I am going to get out of bed.

~Here is the biggie~ I SAT ON THE FLOOR. AND, I GOT UP WITHOUT ANY HELP!!!! I haven’t been able to do that every day since but it happened. Actually, I didn’t really think about it but I was up and down all day yesterday at the beach and didn’t feel like a granny trying to get up.

I still have a ways to go and Sophia reminded me the other day when I tried to do an arm workout (not as successfully as I had hoped) that I don’t have to do everything right away. But I feel I must celebrate each and every little step I make towards being the “past me”. The cool thing is that the “past me” will be even better because the “present me” has grown so much as a person due to my experiences with rheumatoid arthritis.

Sending healing thoughts to each of you today!

10 thoughts on “"Past Me" is Returning to Meet "Present Me"

  1. Absolutely beautiful. I was so happy to read about the great outing at the beach (even though I'm still in winter, I could already feel the warm sand between my toes). I was even happier to hear that your RA symptoms/pain have decreased. I hope it continues!!!


  2. What a wonderful post to read. And what beautiful pictures of you and your family having a day filled with love and laughter. Love the new photo on your blog. It says so much. So happy to hear that you are also feeling some of “past me” in your spirit. What a wonderful feeling that must be! And what joy that must be for your family. : )


  3. Kathy

    I'm just getting to know you, and I love you already! Thank you for sharing your RA experience with us, and reminding us that we're not alone. So much of what's shared out there is negative and depressing; not the least bit uplifting. I could never live my life with that mindset and refuse to let these diagnoses define who I am. I'm still ME. At this time I'm struggling with having flares even while on Methotrexate, and I don't want to start layering meds yet. I'm just not ready to do that without trying the natural path in combination with meds first with the hope of remission. You've been there, too, and you understand. Life's full of surprises and a sense of humor and keeping a good perspective seem to be key in maintaining a balanced life in all areas. You're a gem, Cathy. Thank you for your honesty.


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